This is not merely a piece of write-up. Its the angst whole nation is expressing after the Delhi bus incident. My friend Mrunal Jadhav has given a way to this angst through words. Her views about the patriarchal fabric of society, abuse that women face and the psychology of women related crimes are worth consideration.
The unfortunate news of physical rape involving heinous actual penetration is making news but my question is what about daily psychological rape females are subjected to every now and then??? I feel, basically its not always about rape. It ranges from periodic episodes of eve teasing, dirty comments, domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, doubts about capabilities, psychological trauma , emotional blackmailing in varied strata of our social hierarchy, right from slums, mediocre families to so called educated , highly profile families living in corridors of power. As it is aptly said;" Prevention is better than cure" so taking self defensive alert steps is utmost necessary for girls to protect themselves in any kind of unfortunate emergencies. It is really shouldn't be misinterpreted by girls as attempts of compromising their liberty. Many times what happens teenagers or college going young girls are still not able to judge people around them or to differentiate very basic difference between good touch and bad touch. These girl stay under false impression that whole world is as innocent as them .But in reality when it comes to any society, there is mixture of positive and negative attributes. we cant generalize any goodness or wickedness. Neither we can stay gender biased.Not all men are bad, personally I too have many of my male friends with whom I can interact very frankly. Still considering increasing monstrous and violent tendencies , prevention is always good for females from their side. This is one side but is this the only solution???? Certainly not.
This problem lies much deeply embedded in our very patriarchal nature of society and tendency of objectification of female sex, aggravated by superficial mass media.Yes yes we talk of Government, law and order , amendments, woman commissions , equality and that well rubbed and favourite word- Empowerment!!! come on people, come back to the basics. All these laws will protect but they are much farther and much like post mortem solutions so lets first introspect ourselves at basic unit of society - our families. I will put down two very ordinary incidences. Last summer I was coming back to Pune from Mumbai by Shivneri, I came across one well dressed lady around 50' s right beside me. She was having fractured hand and some of scars on face, neck so I helped to accommodate her luggage at her place. Initially I thought injuries may be because of any accident so I kept mum. She asked me about my profession. I replied , " I am a Dentist and now a days preparing for civil services". she just smiled and asked why I have chosen choosing civil services. I answered all obvious reasons behind this most expected question. To my surprise she happened to be wife of very high ranked class 1 police officer . so my sudden question to her was," Mam, it must be so good and proud feeling for you being wife of officer contributing to society by battling with criminals??" She laughed more loudly this time and replied, " Yes indeed.very proud.( quoting her own words)- Jya belt ne baher hantat tyach belt ne mala pan roj hantat.senior bhadkala..don fatke..junior aikat nahi..don fatke..political pressure..de malach latha..yes he is nice officer talking of big things for other people..pan mazya sathi tar haivan ch aahe..vardi cha maj maj mhantat to mala vichara.." (The same belt he brandishes outside is used for beating me. For any stress on duty, he comes home and whips me. He might be a nice officer outside but for me, he is a demon!). I was shocked; absolutely speechless..:-(:-(. Till today I don't realise why she shared her family issue so easily with stranger like me.we both were females. was that a connecting link? or sometimes opening up ur emotions to strangers are safe and easy? That may be the reason. while stepping down she advised me, "Marry with a person who can respect you rather than marrying just high profile person".
When I read renowned book ' Br' by Kavita Mahajan, there were incidences where Adivasi , pada ; illiterate women hit back to husband when they are beaten up. This kind of retaliation seems still not possible in our white collared society.In marathi ; I remember one quote- " Sansar sansar mhanje kaay asto, ekane udhlala tari dusaryane sawaraycha asto." (What is marriage all about? If one partner disturbs it, other one should restabilise it.) I felt this good initially but as I grew up I realized harsh reality that most of the times- " udhalalela...pasaralela...viskatlela sansar gharaylya stri nech savaraycha asto.":-( (Only women are expeted to restabilise a marriage in turmoil.) Other common dialogue in many families- Daughter: Dad, I want to buy this this ..that that... Dad: as u like beta...whom else I am earning for? Daughter: Oh Daddy...I want this stream..and want to go abroad for specialisation. Dad: sure my girl. take education Wat u wish.we Will be always there to motivate you for your career.Have we ever discriminated between you and your brother? Daughter: Daddy...I want to marry this guy of my choice but he is not of our caste and has time to get well set...but he is trying hard... Dad: Actually beta we have always dreamt best for you. You don't have that much maturity to take such decision.we are there to take best care of that baby.so forget that at earliest. Daughter: but Dad...I think I will be very happy with him.money may be less or caste may be different but trust me we will make a good couple...Its fine na dad? After all its my life na.... Daddy: So you will be okay when all people will condemn your dad. Our family prestige will be in danger.will it be fine when me and your mom will be in pain just because of you? Tell me, for this is what we brought you up ???????????????????????"
Personally I feel be it you mother or wife or daughter or sister or female coworker, don't always try to over protect them considering them symbol of dignity of your family or vulnerable species.Rather all they need is motivation, trust, respect and consideration and freedom in decision making. Let them cherish their own mettle and confidence. I am not gender biased person to totally blame males. on the other front, I strongly protest girls or women who unnecessarily projects their God gifted beauties to take undue advantage. There are many ex of putting forward of female coworker by many businessmen to get the deal or putting forward girls by their friends in queue to get early tickets or seat, just by using female charm.Mind It girls, until you yourself respect your feminism none else is going to respect that. Sternly oppose for such gender based favours, sympathy and displaying yourself as showpiece in showcase of your male counterparts.It is the mother more who inculcate family values in her next generation so try to become physically, emotionally, financially independent first. Above all women of substance are always more adorable than mere natural beauties!! Problem is horrible....Its deep and at various fronts...but definitely solution lies within us!! What is needed is thinking and changing for becoming good human being and treating other as human beings first....!!!
Readers can convey their views to the writer:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001046574732&fref=pb
The unfortunate news of physical rape involving heinous actual penetration is making news but my question is what about daily psychological rape females are subjected to every now and then??? I feel, basically its not always about rape. It ranges from periodic episodes of eve teasing, dirty comments, domestic violence, physical and verbal abuse, doubts about capabilities, psychological trauma , emotional blackmailing in varied strata of our social hierarchy, right from slums, mediocre families to so called educated , highly profile families living in corridors of power. As it is aptly said;" Prevention is better than cure" so taking self defensive alert steps is utmost necessary for girls to protect themselves in any kind of unfortunate emergencies. It is really shouldn't be misinterpreted by girls as attempts of compromising their liberty. Many times what happens teenagers or college going young girls are still not able to judge people around them or to differentiate very basic difference between good touch and bad touch. These girl stay under false impression that whole world is as innocent as them .But in reality when it comes to any society, there is mixture of positive and negative attributes. we cant generalize any goodness or wickedness. Neither we can stay gender biased.Not all men are bad, personally I too have many of my male friends with whom I can interact very frankly. Still considering increasing monstrous and violent tendencies , prevention is always good for females from their side. This is one side but is this the only solution???? Certainly not.
This problem lies much deeply embedded in our very patriarchal nature of society and tendency of objectification of female sex, aggravated by superficial mass media.Yes yes we talk of Government, law and order , amendments, woman commissions , equality and that well rubbed and favourite word- Empowerment!!! come on people, come back to the basics. All these laws will protect but they are much farther and much like post mortem solutions so lets first introspect ourselves at basic unit of society - our families. I will put down two very ordinary incidences. Last summer I was coming back to Pune from Mumbai by Shivneri, I came across one well dressed lady around 50' s right beside me. She was having fractured hand and some of scars on face, neck so I helped to accommodate her luggage at her place. Initially I thought injuries may be because of any accident so I kept mum. She asked me about my profession. I replied , " I am a Dentist and now a days preparing for civil services". she just smiled and asked why I have chosen choosing civil services. I answered all obvious reasons behind this most expected question. To my surprise she happened to be wife of very high ranked class 1 police officer . so my sudden question to her was," Mam, it must be so good and proud feeling for you being wife of officer contributing to society by battling with criminals??" She laughed more loudly this time and replied, " Yes indeed.very proud.( quoting her own words)- Jya belt ne baher hantat tyach belt ne mala pan roj hantat.senior bhadkala..don fatke..junior aikat nahi..don fatke..political pressure..de malach latha..yes he is nice officer talking of big things for other people..pan mazya sathi tar haivan ch aahe..vardi cha maj maj mhantat to mala vichara.." (The same belt he brandishes outside is used for beating me. For any stress on duty, he comes home and whips me. He might be a nice officer outside but for me, he is a demon!). I was shocked; absolutely speechless..:-(:-(. Till today I don't realise why she shared her family issue so easily with stranger like me.we both were females. was that a connecting link? or sometimes opening up ur emotions to strangers are safe and easy? That may be the reason. while stepping down she advised me, "Marry with a person who can respect you rather than marrying just high profile person".
When I read renowned book ' Br' by Kavita Mahajan, there were incidences where Adivasi , pada ; illiterate women hit back to husband when they are beaten up. This kind of retaliation seems still not possible in our white collared society.In marathi ; I remember one quote- " Sansar sansar mhanje kaay asto, ekane udhlala tari dusaryane sawaraycha asto." (What is marriage all about? If one partner disturbs it, other one should restabilise it.) I felt this good initially but as I grew up I realized harsh reality that most of the times- " udhalalela...pasaralela...viskatlela sansar gharaylya stri nech savaraycha asto.":-( (Only women are expeted to restabilise a marriage in turmoil.) Other common dialogue in many families- Daughter: Dad, I want to buy this this ..that that... Dad: as u like beta...whom else I am earning for? Daughter: Oh Daddy...I want this stream..and want to go abroad for specialisation. Dad: sure my girl. take education Wat u wish.we Will be always there to motivate you for your career.Have we ever discriminated between you and your brother? Daughter: Daddy...I want to marry this guy of my choice but he is not of our caste and has time to get well set...but he is trying hard... Dad: Actually beta we have always dreamt best for you. You don't have that much maturity to take such decision.we are there to take best care of that baby.so forget that at earliest. Daughter: but Dad...I think I will be very happy with him.money may be less or caste may be different but trust me we will make a good couple...Its fine na dad? After all its my life na.... Daddy: So you will be okay when all people will condemn your dad. Our family prestige will be in danger.will it be fine when me and your mom will be in pain just because of you? Tell me, for this is what we brought you up ???????????????????????"
Personally I feel be it you mother or wife or daughter or sister or female coworker, don't always try to over protect them considering them symbol of dignity of your family or vulnerable species.Rather all they need is motivation, trust, respect and consideration and freedom in decision making. Let them cherish their own mettle and confidence. I am not gender biased person to totally blame males. on the other front, I strongly protest girls or women who unnecessarily projects their God gifted beauties to take undue advantage. There are many ex of putting forward of female coworker by many businessmen to get the deal or putting forward girls by their friends in queue to get early tickets or seat, just by using female charm.Mind It girls, until you yourself respect your feminism none else is going to respect that. Sternly oppose for such gender based favours, sympathy and displaying yourself as showpiece in showcase of your male counterparts.It is the mother more who inculcate family values in her next generation so try to become physically, emotionally, financially independent first. Above all women of substance are always more adorable than mere natural beauties!! Problem is horrible....Its deep and at various fronts...but definitely solution lies within us!! What is needed is thinking and changing for becoming good human being and treating other as human beings first....!!!
Readers can convey their views to the writer:
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100001046574732&fref=pb
absolutely true.. word by word.. vry vry nice :)
ReplyDeleteI agree totally......may be something should be done....even a third world countries are having strict legal actions for such cases....here in India legality is the main obstacle to stop such actions....some politician will have some relation or may be his friend or may be some relative and people doing all this bloody act is set free to do this again......
ReplyDeleteits d ancient quote "Yatr naryastu pujyate, ramante tar devta.: but it doesnt allow to empower d woman. it just says about d respect given to d woman, not about d respect gained by d woman. if d woman is made aware about her capabilities, her strengths, her power centres as well as her Weaknesses, she will b d one who"ll gain d respect wit d fear about her. that will b d real empowerment. History has given us lot of examples of d cruelty n uglyness of d human face may b it a man or a woman. in dowry deaths we hav seen as many women responsible to d cruelty as that of men, but cruelty n absence of human component is d issue. wherever our weaknesses wil come infront of d animals provoking them to use their ugly powers, these things will happen. its all important that government shud take strict actions n make a law much stricter than it exists today, but more important than this is to b carefull in every moment in which our weakness can b overpoered by d strengths of d other. its an history in recent times dat we always speak on these issues after d incidence happens, it helps to compel d government to plan for further steps but d nothing can gain back d dignity, confidence of d victim back to normalcy. the event has been embossed a big fat stigma on humanity, but to prevent such incidences, the most important is PREVENTION. I appreciate d authors thoughts in this concern.
ReplyDeleteThe very first example of the wife of a police officer is quiet Eye Opner for all n it teaches us to b d human first and then any officer. But I little bit differ about the second example given by author about d dialogue between father n d daughter, i cant say this example is d complete subduction of woman dignity. there are other reasons of parents too bcoz of which they avoid to giv decision making in their children's hand n take decision using their wisdom n experience. children shudnt feel bad in it. rest all article is really admirable. thanx for sharing it wit us.
ReplyDeleteGood thought and well put, however I would like to point some things which are often mixed up and masked with the so called "Parampara/tradition/culture".
ReplyDelete1. In the beginning of the post, you tried to describe girls as innocent people and look this world in the same prespecive - I would like to ask a question here "Jo sab me acche dekhte hi usko sab accha hoota hi". So knowing about things, what is happening is very important at the same time being human as well.
2. The police man story - I think this is simply our perspective in the name of traditions our family force to follow what have been followed since ages - like go where ever u want do what ever u dream of but marry according to our wish. I am not against arranged marriage but, in a way it may prompt us to think traditional way, and follow the trend. As you mentioned the higher rank police might experienced the same in his family and even though he learnt some thing during this life, he cannot come out of his traditional views of dominating the wife.
3. Sex is a taboo even when both of them like it, some people try to use it to satisfy their own animal needs. Instead of concentrating on constant preaching to our kids, why can't a mother tell her boy what is not to be done, and to her girl what kind of contraception she has to take when she wants to have fun. Can we get that open society ? to avoid the GF and BF going to parks and other dangerous places inorder to become a prey for the poachers.
All in all, we have to change, please attempt to teach values and good behavior to our children. Make them forget their cast creed and religion, teach them to be tolerable. Every parent and every teacher with some more efforts can stop all the evil and make better people thus a brighter INDIA - Jaihind.
@Research in Cancer.. Stemcell biology: Good points made.
ReplyDeleteI would like to discuss a few things.
1. Its altogether a separate issue about who is innocent or not. Basic point is we all are human beings and deserve dignity from other human beings.
2. In context of the tragedy of the cop's wife, I appreciate your point that there is a bigger socio-psychological phenomenon behind domestic violence. We have to eradicate this root cause which is deeply entrenched in our society. And speaking of traditions, how can these so called 'Saviours of tradition' forget that our tradition demands respect to women?
3. Our society is not that open as compared to West. Yes, we should have certain limits of decency but it is upto an individual to decide his or her own limits. Unfortunately some fundamentalist organisations set limits as per their views and force society to follow them.
Thanks for inputs.
Your welcome abhi bhai this ... krishna by the way :)
Delete